another one

PLEASE HEAR WHAT I’M NOT SAYING
Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear,
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I’m afraid to take off.
And none of them are I.
Pretending is an art that’s second nature of me.
But don’t be fooled; for God’s sake don’t be fooled.
I gave you the impression that I’m secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me,
Within as well as without.
That confidence is my name and coolness is my game,
That the waters calm and I’m in command,
And that I need no one.
But don’t believe me
Please.
My surface may seem smooth, but my surface is my masks.
My ever-varying and ever-concealing mask.
Beneath lies my smugness, my complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me in confusion, in fear, in ALONENESS!
But hide calls.
I don’t want anybody to know it.
I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear of being exposed.
That’s why I frantically create a masks to hide beyond/behind.
A non-chalet, sophisticated façade, to help me pretend.
To shield me from the glance that knows
But such a glance is precisely my salvation.
My only salvation.
And I know it.
That is if it’s followed by acceptance, it’s followed by love.
It’s the only thing that can liberate me, from myself.
From my own self-built prison walls,
From the barriers that I so painstakingly erect.
It’s the only thing that will assure me
Of what I can’t assure myself.
That I’m really worth something. But I don’t dare, I’m afraid to
I’m afraid your glance will not followed by acceptance and love.
I’m afraid you’ll think less of me that you’ll laugh.
And your laughter will kill me.
I’m afraid that deep–down I’m nothing. That I’m just no good.
And that you will see this and reject me.
So I play my game, my desperate pretending game
With a façade of assurance without, and a trembling child within.
And so beers the parade of masks.
And my life becomes a front.
Tidily chatter to you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing.
And nothing of what’s everything, of what’s crying within me.
So when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully and try to hear what I’m not saying
What I’d like to be able to say, what for survival I need to say,
But what I can’t say. I dislike hiding.
Honestly.
I dislike hiding the superficial game I’m playing, the superficial phony game.
I’d really like to be genuine and spontaneous and me. But you’ve got to help….